You satisfy me, till I am quiet and confident in the work of Your Spirit I cannot see. –Audrey Assad, You Speak
Still, I'm trying to listen. And He is speaking pretty clearly. Like after I finally made it through the darkness, through the spiritual warfare, victorious in Christ and by His side for the retreat with the DSMME (Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist). It was a beautiful retreat (192 retreaters), filled with several lovely talks, lots of prayer, and the chance for all-night adoration (a Night with Jesus if you will). I partook of a two-hour portion of adoration.
Throughout the weekend, however, in spite of the beauty, tranquility, and joy that came from being close to the Lord and close to so many fantastic young women, I had the Handmaids on my heart. I was remembering that it felt so much more like home with them. I longed to pray the Angelus their way, with specific Handmaid gestures. I longed for the small family life they share, the intimacy of sharing in their life, and not feeling like an intruder, separated from the sisters. Even as I heard a talk about the importance of consecration to the Sacred Heart and the Immaculate Heart, I remembered that the Handmaids have dedicated their name Handmaids of the Sacred Heart of Jesus to the Sacred Heart.
And in a talk about spiritual motherhood, I remembered how I encountered real evidence of the ways the Handmaids are spiritual mothers and sisters to the priests and bishops in the local dioceses…and how much parishes, and young women in particular, need to see religious sisters in the parish working alongside priests. We need tangible witnesses of both spiritual fatherhood and spiritual motherhood—especially in the parish. It was then that I think I felt truly called and convicted, drawn, if you will, to the Handmaids' charism.
So. The Lord spoke clearly. And He's kept my heart "confident in the work of the Spirit", if you will, confident even in silence, or even if I'm not 100% certain this is right. Because I have come to realize I will never be 100% certain. God is too big to let His plans fit into the box of my needy certainty. He wants trust. So I give it as much as I can.