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for merely creative reasons, i am going to leave off all capitalization from this blog post. who needs capital letters in every sentence, really? although, i will make the one exception to capitalize the name of my Beloved. because the name of Jesus Christ is always worth perfectly correct english grammar. digression you think? don't worry, it won't last long.
my soul is feeling its worth. just like that lyric of my favorite Christmas hymn, o holy night. long lay the world in sin and error pining, till He appeared and the soul felt its worth. there are many ways a soul may feel its worth. this hymn lays bare the mystery of the incarnation. the mystery that tells us we are so profoundly worth-filled or worthy that our Creator, our God would lower Himself and come down and become just like us. so much like us that His spirit would become encased in a human shell, capable of crying, capable of needing a mother, capable of being cuddled, capable of hammering nails into sturdy wood, capable of peering through human eyes to see the light and darkness in all the people, all the other ordinary human beings around Him. miraculous. we were worth that. our souls are worth that experience. God Himself wanted to become one of us for only one reason—that we could come to live in His house, could come close to Him and touch Him and remain in His presence. it would not have been, but for the Incarnation and the Resurrection.
i am feeling the worth of my soul in other ways, too. in its vastness. yes, our souls capsulated in our little bodies are vast. sometimes i imagine my soul as a sweet little home where Christ comes to dwell…it becomes my ideal cottage, even with its little cobwebs, its peeling paint, those things i attribute as my sins. but today i imagine the vastness, the cavernous quality of my soul. how empty it is while it waits for Him. and it is vast because it is a landscape meant to contain only one Being: its Creator. what wondrous love! far deeper than the ocean, wider than the distance in the skies from one star to another, my soul is pinned into this body, awaiting a love to fill it, fill it, and overflow from its vastness into infinity. can we even conceive the beauty of our own immortality? for we will live forever, and as we will it and God graces it, we will live endlessly in whole and complete love. no more longing, no more thirsting in the depths of these cavernous souls.
i am learning the worth of my soul in the painfulness of my sin. wondering, perhaps for the first time since i felt Him asking me to be His betrothed, whether i will fail Him in this. wondering whether i was really meant for such a lofty vocation. whether i desire it because it is actually His will for me, or whether i want it for the "virgin's glory" for the poster-child it will create of me. do i want it because i want to be notorious? the girl who became a religious, of all things? do i want it because i am lazy, and want to spend my time in "prayer" more than in "work"? i feel the worth of my soul in my motives, because they are tainted and that imperfection makes me question whether i can really risk such a priceless creation as my own soul for the sake of my blinded will. it feels as if i'm walking in the pitch dark, trying to find the door to get out of the dark, and in my hands i'm holding a glass rose that is so light and hollow it will shatter if i move too carelessly. i am terrified of tripping and falling.
all i can do is pray for a light. to trust that the darkness cannot last. for love is a light that guides me where i am meant to tread.

 


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