The more I considered Christianity, the more I found that while it had established a rule and order the chief aim of that order was to give room for good things to run wild.
Right now it is easier to think that I won't accomplish everything I desire…both before entering a convent and afterward. I am afraid I will not make a good sister, or a good teacher. I know in spite of this fear that God's grace will provide for me. Furthermore, as long as I continue to have a desire to help people (and I truly long to be helpful to people in any way I can), God will use that desire.
I am gearing up for this coming weekend: a Come & See retreat with the Dominicans of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist. By "gearing up" I mean I am choosing to spend more time in adoration this week, and I intend to make it to Mass every day. But a part of me is a little worried: what if I hate it? And if I hate it, is that because I'm just uncomfortable with the monastic style of their charism (and its relative increase in silence when compared to a familial order)? Or maybe I'll hate it just because I'm not called there?
I don't want to go even thinking I might hate it. Because when I went down to visit the Handmaids last November, I just remember being so thrilled to go on retreat, filled with such longing to be there and contentment and joy once I got there. Just because I'll be meeting sisters I don't know doesn't mean I'll be miserable. Best of all, I'll be meeting my Beloved there.
So. Enough with the worries and anxieties. These are the foxes in my soul. And I refuse to let them steal my joy.